The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

A strange ride

Emotionally I'm on the strangest ride of my life. I have been sitting here at work not able to focus or concentrate much. I think I'm experiencing a constant state of anguish, like white noise. I don't know why - I'm not thinking about anything specific.

A part of me is wondering if my husband is really suffering much, and some other part answers no. Which is fine I guess. I only wish there were words to convey my experience to him, just so that he really gets the true cost of all this. But what I'm experiencing would have been beyond my ability to imagine before Friday. I'm glad I picked up the books on infidelity so I know that I'm not going crazy.

I think I'm having an existential crisis. The books talk about a loss of identity due to one's changing world view following this kind of betrayal, and I think that's why I feel so disoriented. My reality has been disrupted, and shown to be false. I told my husband that it's like being in a science fiction movie - I've gone through a worm hole into a new dimension where everything looks exactly the same except that everything is completely different. I guess because my context has been shifted. That's what it is. Change your context, change your life. My context got changed and I'm being dragged along for a ride.

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