Feeling sad again last night

This is definitely an up and down ride.

Last night I had some time before my rehearsal, so I stopped in a coffee shop to work on the spreadsheet. As I entered the large cash withdrawals and began to see some shape to all the activity that's been going on, I got present again to the magnitude of it all. I think it's good, because it puts me back in touch with the feelings that are obviously still there. I must be very good at protecting myself, because I can feel absolutely fine at times, and then surprised by the depth of pain and sadness that is still there.

After rehearsal I went home and finished entering what I had. (There's a lot more - years of bank statements to comb through.) There was a strange charge for a rental car and lots of gas from out of town gas stations. My heart started beating, and I ran upstairs with the laptop to where husband was sleeping. He'd told me how badly he needed sleep, but I couldn't stop myself from waking him. It turned out that the charges were actually transacted several days prior to the date they appeared on the statement, and were from husband's drive to join my son and me on a camping trip. Nothing hidden, no new secret to discover. But what I did realize in the subsequent discussion of some of the other activity on the spreadsheet was that recently he'd begun to lie to me about where he was going so he could go out to find prostitutes and go to strip clubs. Prior to this year he'd always done it when I was working or otherwise occuppied. But lately he'd started to tell me he was going somewhere and not really go there. Or go to strip clubs or prostitutes first. It's so fortunate that I caught this when I did. It was escalating so rapidly and getting out of control. I said to him that it probably couldn't have gone much further because we couldn't have afforded it. But he said that he thinks he would have found a way to escalate things - even the thought of our home equity had crossed his mind. He's just started reading Out of the Shadows, and he's beginning to see how much of a classic sex addict he is. It's so weird, for both of us I think. It turns my stomach to think where this could have gone. I thank whatever higher powers there are that I found this before it got to a place where forgiveness would feel impossible.

I was very sad as we talked, present again to the many women and the many betrayals. The betrayals still hurt the most, cause the most anxiety. He comforted me, held me, listened, and answered what he could. He said "One day at a time."

Today is my birthday. There is a party tonight. I've been in on the planning, thinking and hoping I'd be ready for a celebration. I'm sure I will be when the time comes. My son and the kids in aftercare with him yesterday made me a big Happy Birthday banner to hang at the party. It's the best birthday surprise I've had in years. Initiated by my 5 1/2 year old son, from his heart to me. Amazing. Another thing to be grateful for. There is so much.