Just as an alcoholic isn’t an addict when he takes his first drink, husband was not a sex addict when he decided to cross the line between the fantasy of having sex with other women that most hetro men have, and the reality of betraying the deep trust I had in him to have sex with a prostitute. And then to break that trust everyday by coming home and kissing and touching and having sex with me and not confessing. (Did I ever kiss him when he had been kissing a prostitute earlier that day? Probably. Probably many times.) And when I asked him every day, “How was your day?” or “What did you do today” to lie to me and break that trust again.
When we got married I knew he had issues with food. But he didn’t make a vow to me about food. He made a vow to me to love me and treat me with respect, and that included holding my trust sacred. And he fed and nurtured and grew that trust, and then made the decision to discard everything that we had built together, knowing the impact of the loss of integrity. That is a question in my mind. Why did he do that? How could he have done that? Over and over again.? More and more frequently, spending more and more of our money? Those questions remain, reminding me that the person I want to trust is not the person who stands before me. He has left the building. The person I need to trust is someone I must get to know again. Yet at the same time, I feel love and compassion for this man who I have shared so much with, and continue to share so much with, and who I might be able to trust again.
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