Scotch v. Pain

Left my office at 3:30pm today. I couldn't focus and was feeling waves of dispair. Not pleasant in a work environment. I felt that really the very best thing to do was to leave and go straight to the bar at a hotel near my son's preschool and have a double scotch on the rocks quickly enough so that I'd be sobered up by the time I had to pick him up at 6. So that's what I did. I was disappointed to find they didn't have Macallan. The best option was JWB which turned out to be relatively cheap and seemed to work just as well at achieving the desired effect. I sat in the bar and felt the sweet relief spread as I read my books about infidelity.

These books are turning out to be very helpful. It's very helpful to know that everything I'm experiencing is normal enough to have been placed in a stage and named. It's helpful to understand some of the broader psychological stuff that goes into infidelity and betrayal. And it's helpful to be reminded that my husband is also experiencing something at the same time I am. But mostly it's helpful to know that it's possible to get through this without losing my mind.

I've been exercising a lot - and by a lot I just mean regularly, not compulsively. Aside from the car, the guest house out back where the treadmill is is the only place I can cry in private. And it's such a release to cry when you're sweating and exherting yourself. I'm hoping that the exercize is combating the stress chemicals - and maybe this is why mornings tend to be better. So far, afternoons have all proved difficult.

Husband had his first Sex & Love Addicts meeting today. His first therapist appointment is tomorrow.

I've been feeling very angry about the fact that his choices exposed me, who has beeen a monagamous person all my life and who made a conscious choice to be so in our relationship, to at least 15 or 20 prostitutes and all the other men they've had sex with. I'm getting my STD test on Monday. I'm 99% sure I'm disease free because he says he's been using condoms. But he also said a lot of other things.