Still figuring out what happened.

There are large sums of money that came out of the account on 5/15 and 5/21. I’ve aleady asked him about these, and he’s said they weren’t for prostitutes, but there has to be some explanation. I think he was lying before.

Today I’ve been feeling alternating waves of numbness, sadness and sickness. I’m in San Diego, trying to pack up stuff from Gramma’s house to help her move out. But it’s so much on my mind that I’m not really present.

My natural reaction is to put things behind me and move foreward, but with this I want to be with my sadness and anger until they hold no more power. It’s a fine line between “being with” and holding on to things unnecessarily, and I don’t know where that line is. But this is too important to push away too quickly. At least I think. I’ll ask about this Monday with the therapist.

Maybe I feel anxious because he a lot of the times he did this was when I was in San Diego visiting my Gramma. Mom, my son and I would come along because husband often had things planned for the weekends – meetings, basketball, etc. Now I wonder if he did that on purpose to have an excuse to stay so he’d be alone to see prostitutes. I have to look back at all my San Diego weekends and look at the banking and phone activity to see how often that really happened. It hurts to think of how his mind may have been working, anticipating time away from me so he could be with other women. Maybe he didn’t do that. But I think he did.