Every day is different

Today started out as an angry day. I woke up not feeling sad, which was good. And noticed that I wanted distance again. After my massage last night, which I'll get to later, I picked my husband up from the house and we drove around talking. I asked a lot of questions, we talked about how much he's spent on prostitutes (probably close to $10k), about crossing the line from fantasy to actually having sex with another woman, about lonliness, about my feelings of distrust, and my fears, about so many things. We laughed, I cried, he comforted me. In the context of talking about other things he's done that I don't know about he told me that he'd been going to strip clubs and getting lap dances ($20/song, usually 2-3 songs before he comes.) He mentioned the eating issues and going to the movies during the work day, both of which I already know about. And other smaller things that weren't betrayals, but were part of his pattern of secretive behavior and "getting away with it." It was good to talk to him because I'm so lonely for his mind, his thoughts, his spirit - the part of him that I know and love. Otherwise I feel very alone.

But this morning I felt more detatched, less vulnerable after getting some feelings out on that drive. As has been my experience over the past 5 days, things continue to be emotionally chaotic though. Sitting in a cafe reading the recommended book about infidelity, I was filled with overwhelming sadness, and fear that we won't be able to reconcile. And grief about that. It feels like a death. The loss of my ability to trust him, myself, my version of reality - it feels like a permanent end of something. And leaves an empty space.