S-Anon meeting tonight

I've started to get my appetite back. I'm still exercising, but not like a crazy person. It really helps with getting feelings out.

Today and yesterday have been better. Reading the book has been making a big difference. I've realized that husband is two people...the man I knew and loved, and the addict/Master of the Universe who doesn't love me and can't be trusted to make decisions based in love, trust or respect. He can't be trusted to care for me. So now what do I do?

I started listening to Peter Gabriel again in the aftermath, really quite soon after. I have such good memories associated with his music that I think it was a source of comfort. And I realized over the last couple of days that there is an amazing song from the Us album that speaks to where we find ourselves. Love to Be Loved was written when he was deep in a period of self exploration and therapy. The song is ultimately one of hope, and brought tears to my eyes today when I listened to it today, closely for the first time.

So, you know how people are
When it's all gone much too far
The way their minds are made
Still, there's something you should know
That I could not let show
That fear of letting go

And in this moment, I need to be needed
With this darkness all around me, I like to be liked
In this emptiness and fear, I want to be wanted
'Cause I love to be loved
I love to be loved [x2]
Yes, I love to be loved

I cry the way that babies cry
The way they can't deny
The way they feel
Words, they climb all over you
'Til they uncover you
From where you hide

And in this moment, I need to be needed
When my self-esteem is sinking, I like to be liked
In this emptiness and fear,
I want to be wanted
'Cause I love to be loved
I love to be loved [x2]
Oh I love to be loved

This old familiar craving
I've been here before, this way of behaving
Don't know who the hell I'm saving anymore
Let it pass let it go let it leave
From the deepest place I grieve
This time I believe

And I let go [x2]
I can let go of it
Though it takes all the strength in me
And all the world can see
I'm losing such a central part of me
I can let go of it
You know I mean it
You know that I mean it
I recognize how much I've lost
But I cannot face the cost
'Cause I love to be loved

Yes I love to be loved
I love to be loved
[x3]

I love to be loved

I love to be loved
Yes I love to be loved


Tonight is my first S-Anon meeting.