That's my assignment. To live my best life now, even in the midst of separation and betrayal. I'm going to use this period while the Addict is working on himself to build a rich, interesting, connected and satisfying life for myself. Here are the things I'm going to pursue:
In couples therapy, the Addict told me that the safest place for him to be in our marriage was low status. I was so shocked by this, because this is not what I ever wanted. I've always felt that he gave me too much power and that this was a big part of why we had trouble communicating.
I feel sad and scared and hopeless. Sad in my heart and eyes, scared in my chest, hopeless in my chest. I'm afraid that I'm so resented and so defined as so many awful things that I will never be seen as what I want to be - pure love and support. That's what I wish I could have been. I don't know what is wrong with me that I can't see. Am I just obliviously selfish and self-righteous? I don't know. I don't think so, but this is what I'm being told. And the resentment I feel coming toward me hurts and scares me. I'm afraid I'm not loved, or not loved completely, not loved in a way where I'll be safe.
Even though the Addict has betrayed me more deeply than anybody else in my life--twice--without his presence I feel like a plant that's not getting enough sun.
Even though I don't know how to decide if I can be in a relationship with someone who has lied so profoundly, for so many years about something so fundamental to our relationship, I miss him.
Life is so short. Am I wasting the limited number of days I have on this planet separating myself from someone I love who loves me?
Or am I an abused woman who can't see a way to leave her abuser?
I really don't know.
The Addict and I have continued with couples therapy, and I'm feeling more connected or less guarded. Not sure if that's a good thing, given that he's so early in recovery. But we do want to have some kind of relationship since we share a son.
I've been feeling more "normal" a lot of days. But a few nights ago I had too much to drink and called the Addict to share some of the work I'd been doing from a book called "Hold Me Tight." I ended up getting back to a place of feeling all the abandonment and disregard and lack of care, and weeping deeply as we talked. Those feelings are still there and sometimes drinking is a way to release them, I think. Not my recommended practice, but reminds me that even though I feel "normal" a lot of days, there is a lot to be dealt with still.
Woke up today feeling heavy and sad, which I haven't done for a couple weeks now. I don't know whether I'm sad because I miss him, or because I'm getting used to my life without him. I'm afraid to let go.
My friend shared this quote with me:
I don't know if this is the path I want to take, but it's better than all or nothing, which is where my cognitive distortions take me.
Time has always healed even your deepest pain. Breathe deeply, lean into what is hard, look for the growth opportunity, ask for what you need and take care of yourself every day.
Woke up crying this morning. I miss the Addict so much. I wish I could lie in bed with him and he could hold me in his arms and comfort me in my sadness. I'm so lonely for his love. I just want to feel his arms around me again. And I want to go back to when maybe we had what I thought we had and start there and never get to the terrible day when he chose to betray me again.
I was dreading today - the first Valentine's Day in 34 years when I would be nobody's valentine. I was dreading that this silly, greeting-card holiday would pass without the Addict thinking about us and what we had been to each other.
I told my therapy group about this anxiety. My therapist asked if I could ask the Addict for what I needed. But that seemed too scary - like I was maybe suggesting or implying that I wanted something I'm not sure I want. So, I was going to be content with spending the evening in having dinner with Mom and a close girlfriend.
But, at 9:18am, the Addict texted.
Setting aside, for just a moment, all of our difficulties. I want to tell you that I think you are a wonderful person. You are kind and hilarious and beautiful and talented and smart and loving. You’re a wonderful mother and a fantastic friend. You have a smile that lights up the world and an amazing voice. I love you and I hope you have a wonderful day.
I was so thankful and relieved to know that I was still in his heart. Because he is still in mine. Even with the things he's done, he's still in my heart. Even though I don't see a clear path to repair our relationship, he's still in my heart. Because I believe him when he says things like he did in that text. There was love. There is love. That's what is so confusing. That's what keeps me from turning my back on him despite the fact that he had such flagrant disregard for my core boundaries.
I'm like an abused woman who can't quit her man. Or maybe I AM an abused woman who can't quit her man.
This shit fucks with me.
This morning I am really struggling with some thing. I’m really struggling with how you did this twice. How we went through all we went through, and yet you made the choice to do what you did. I want to work on this in therapy because I need an answer as to why you made the choices you made. I don’t believe it is an unanswerable question. Because it really feels terrible that we went through everything we went through, and you saw me go through everything I went through, and yet you made the choice to do what you did. You didn’t just wake up having sex with somebody. You made decisions and choices along the way to take actions, to lie to me, to hide things. Those were all conscious choices and I want to know what you were thinking that led you to make these choices - what you were telling yourself in your head.
You might not know now, but I believe it is something that you can figure out. Without an answer there is no way for me to feel safe or happy with you.
The disregard for me is, I think, at the heart of why this feels particularly terrible. How could you have such disregard for me as you made these decisions? It’s not like you did not know how I would feel about you doing these things. You knew and you did them anyway. That makes me feel insignificant.
Maybe it was easier to do the second time because you had already done it to me the first time and I had forgiven you. It is said that you teach people the way to treat you. Maybe I taught you that you could do this to me.
After all of these years I want to be seen. I want to feel like I matter. It is hard to feel like we’ve spent so many years together and yet when it comes down to it I don’t matter.
It looks like disclosure might not happen for 2 - 3 months now. The Addict's therapist thinks it will take that long to get it right. So we stay in this weird limbo. What are we doing? Are we rebuilding? Are we working toward divorce? I don't think either of us knows.
I've realized that I can't go through this round of couples therapy without working through the fact that the Addict's experience of me and our relationship happened through a filter that was him being a liar and a betrayer and having all the self-loathing, guilt and other feelings associated with that. So he saw me through that fog. I think he projects a lot of things on to me. For example, during Round 1, he described me as "pissed off, frustrated, unhappy and distracted." But that was HIM during that time in our lives. I had the usual grouses and frustrations, I think, but I felt generally happy and contented. But he saw me as pissed off, frustrated, unhappy and distracted. I asked him if he felt the same way this time, and he said yes. This complaint or description of me has persisted for 15 years, through 3 1/2 years of therapy and 12-step and Landmark and Buddhism. I have grown and changed, but his experience of me has stayed the same. Maybe it's me, but I don't think so. At least, not entirely. He was a lying, betraying alcoholic for the past 9 years, so I don't know if he's the best judge of me.
He has other persistent complaints: "When I'm mad, it's my problem. When you're mad, something is wrong with the world and it's usually me." "You can't handle the truth." "I can't express my anger." "I'm afraid of your anger."
He's also terrified of his mother's anger. And he always felt that his father was critical no matter how well he did. I think some of the complaints about me are unresolved childhood issues. Maybe some of it is there in me, but I think some of it he sees because that's what he's looking for in people.
I don't know how nothing has changed. I know I certainly have. I'm not perfect, but I am aware of my absolutist approach to the world and work to catch myself and apologize. I work hard to be responsive - I come to dinner when he says it's ready; I don't work weekends and evenings; I work to be a better listener, and to recognize when I'm being controlling or too black-and-white in my thinking. I am AWARE of my shortcomings and work to address them. So I can't imagine that nothing has changed. So some of it must be in his perception - his "listening" of me. And that was shaped when he was a lying, betraying active alcoholic. So how could he believe I loved him? How could he believe I wasn't critical? How could he believe that I was making space for him? AND - if things were so awful, why didn't he SAY SOMETHING? He says that he tried, which I don't doubt, but was unsuccessful and gave up. But that's lame. That's just absolving himself of responsibility and retreating into old patterns and making me the difficult one. He should have had a boundary and held to it and pressured me to confront what was not working in our relationship instead of giving up and thinking to himself, "She can't handle it so I will." And I think I'm not the one who couldn't handle it. I don't know who is - but it's someone from his childhood. Not me. He may not like how I respond, but I can handle shit. I dealt with the annihilation of my life 15 years ago and worked through that. I can handle shit.
When he is lying and betraying and keeping big secrets, there is no real intimacy. There is no real connectedness. Of course he feels disconnected from me. Of course he feels criticized and less than. Of course I make him feel awful. Of course he feels pissed off, frustrated, unhappy and distracted.
We have a lot to work out and work through if there's any hope for repair. And a lot of it is him facing who he has been and the impact of that. He needs to think about and acknowledge what his lying, betraying and holding secrets did to his love for me. That has to happen FIRST, before we can think about rebuilding.
I'm reading "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" and hoping it will bring me some clarity about what I want.
My new blanket came today. It's been chilly and, even with a wool blanket, sleeping alone has been cold. The Addict was a warm person, so I was never cold in beed when he was here. I'll be warmer. But I'll still be alone.
I wish we didn’t have this huge mess in our lives so that we could be together and care for each other. That was what I wanted. To be with you and care for you and share life with you. Every day I feel an emptiness where you would have been. I am missing all the moments we should be sharing.
Me too.
The difference is that you caused it and I am the person it happened to. We are both sad, but you were the one with the choices. You took away my ability to choose the moment you started lying.
Yes.
You gave away your life. I had mine taken. Twice.
Posts
All Comments
