At my first S-Anon meeting, one of the things I really didn't get was all the talk about MY recovery. I didn't have anything to recover from...I wasn't the one who had been lying to my partner for over a decade and sleeping with prostitutes for the past 3 1/2 years. I was the unsuspecting...well, not victim...but certainly there was NOTHING wrong with me. I disregarded that stuff, because there was lots of other stuff that was hitting the nail on the head, and it felt so good to walk into a room where I could talk freely without having to explain.
Probably a month or so ago, I asked my therapist what exactly co-dependence was and how I would know if I was codependent. She recommended the book I'm reading now, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. The title kind of says it all. My sometimes obsessive need to know details, often accompanied by feelings of anxiety or urgency, is a form of trying to control something I can't control (the past.) And it definitely comes at the expense of caring for myself, because I can easily spiral into heart-pounding anxiety or deep sadness when I engage in this stuff.
More importantly, though, I have a whole other life. I have a full-time job, I have my son, I volunteer as Marketing Director for a non-profit, I write my blog, I go to S-Anon and therapy, I exercise regularly, and I write and perform sketch comedy, improv and theater when I can fit it in. In other words, I have a big, full life that doesn't deserve to be consumed (subsumed) by maintaining spreadsheets, searching phone records and bank statements, and worrying about what Husband is doing every moment of the day. I have a life. I will not be defined by Husband's betrayal, I will not sacrifice my life, my self, the things that give me happiness and satisfaction, to try to figure out the details of my husband's betrayal and lies. Enough damage has been done already. I don't want to do more.
That being said, it's definitely a balance. Not only do I have a different future now than I thought I would. I have a different past. And that is jarring. More accurately it's a devastating, major mind-fuck that made me feel completely disoriented and adrift for a while. It's a past that I did not knowingly participate in creating and something that I can't change. So I feel I have the right to know as many details as I want in order to restore my sense of reality. What was I doing the afternoon Husband was fucking Ashley at the Four Points Sheraton in Marina del Rey? I think I have a right to know what was actually going on in my life while I was living in my alternate reality.
The point is, I think I have the right to whatever information I want, but when the need to know starts to disrupt my life and cause me pain, I'm stepping into codependent territory. Nothing wrong with that, but it helps me to be able to distinguish what I want to do to help myself heal vs. what I feel compelled to do because I let another person's behavior affect me and feel that I can do something to control that person's behavior. (I can't.)
The final clue that broke the camel's back was that there are 10 pages in the book that describe codependent characteristics and - those of you who also identify with being codependent will probably laugh at me - I was shocked to see that I had at least 75% of the characteristics listed. It's very subtle. I don't cover up for Husband when his addictions interfere with his life, I don't secretly follow him, I don't submit to physical or emotional abuse. But there are lots of things, some might call them "nice" traits: I try to say what I think will please people; have a difficult time asserting my rights; avoid talking about myself and talk about other people's problems instead; try to fix and prevent problems in other peoples' lives; fear rejection; am afraid of making mistakes. The list goes on.
In my experience, recognition and awareness have been the first steps toward freedom from ways of being that leave me unhappy. So that's the value I find in accepting the codependent label, and accepting that my journey is to recover from that way of being. I want to be free of the anguish and anxiety that result from my codependent thoughts and behaviors.
Free my mind, and the rest will follow.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
What does co-dependency look like?
It goes something like this...
Yesterday I found a receipt from one of Husband’s business trips this past February. Oddly enough, it was on the floor in the hallway by the front door. Don’t know why. It was for 3 double Jack Daniels and 3 Sam Adams at a bar on a night I know he took out $400 from our account to try to get a prostitute.
I didn’t get a chance to talk with him about it until today after I landed in Sacramento. I called him at work to let him know I landed safely and asked if it was a good time for me to ask some questions. I’ve done this so many times (call with questions) that he knows what this question means, and was ready to listen and answer as best he could from his rather public cube at work.
“You know when you went on business trips you told me that although you tried, you were never able to successfully hire a prostitute. Is that true?”
“Yes.”
“And did you ever just entertain prostitutes or other women on these trips?”
“No.”
“Because last night I found a receipt on the floor.” I explained what it for, and what time the credit card was processed (just after midnight.) I know he often orders a scotch on the rocks with a beer, and that he likes Sam Adams. But I’ve never know him to order bourbon. He said that he actually does order bourbon when the scotch is too expensive. (Odd, again, because well scotch can’t be more expensive than JD. I may have to ask about this again, because this “odd” type of thing was something I usually ignored before.) He said he thought he had been talking to a guy and may have bought him a couple beers, but after he thought about it for a bit he decided that he had been alone on that occasion.
Finally I came to the question that had been the first to enter my mind when I found the receipt. “That’s nine drinks. So you had nine drinks by yourself?” He said he did, and that his intention was to get drunk since he was unsuccessful in arranging a prostitute. (He’s said he only used online services, never picked them up on the street.) I asked him if he’d ever considered that alcohol might be another addiction of his. That maybe, like his dad, he was a functioning alcoholic, but that it was actually a problem. He said that he had considered that. And he said he couldn’t keep talking about that subject anymore because of the lack of privacy. We agreed to discuss it later.
There are still lingering things that fall into the “odd” category.
He withdrew $100 on 2/8, $400 on 2/9 and $40 on 2/10 (I've done the research and I have a spreadsheet cross-referencing cash withdrawals and cell phone records), yet he paid for those 9 drinks with his credit card. So where did the $500 go? He said when he couldn’t get prostitutes he went shopping for gifts. But I don’t recall $500 worth of gifts coming home. Yet he took out that $40 on 2/10, so he must have spent that $500 somewhere. I have to ask him about this.
Yes, I know this is what obsessing and co-dependency are all about. And yes, I’m still going to ask.
I’m sitting in the Sacramento airport. I have vivid memories of being in this airport for business travel on June 5, four days after I’d found out about all of Husband’s lies and infidelity. I was standing right outside the security checkpoint on the phone with Nora, weeping because I didn’t want to go home, because I didn’t what to go back to the life I had there now. If I didn’t go home, maybe it wouldn’t be real. It all felt so unreal anyway. That’s what the Sacramento airport reminds me of.
Yesterday I found a receipt from one of Husband’s business trips this past February. Oddly enough, it was on the floor in the hallway by the front door. Don’t know why. It was for 3 double Jack Daniels and 3 Sam Adams at a bar on a night I know he took out $400 from our account to try to get a prostitute.
I didn’t get a chance to talk with him about it until today after I landed in Sacramento. I called him at work to let him know I landed safely and asked if it was a good time for me to ask some questions. I’ve done this so many times (call with questions) that he knows what this question means, and was ready to listen and answer as best he could from his rather public cube at work.
“You know when you went on business trips you told me that although you tried, you were never able to successfully hire a prostitute. Is that true?”
“Yes.”
“And did you ever just entertain prostitutes or other women on these trips?”
“No.”
“Because last night I found a receipt on the floor.” I explained what it for, and what time the credit card was processed (just after midnight.) I know he often orders a scotch on the rocks with a beer, and that he likes Sam Adams. But I’ve never know him to order bourbon. He said that he actually does order bourbon when the scotch is too expensive. (Odd, again, because well scotch can’t be more expensive than JD. I may have to ask about this again, because this “odd” type of thing was something I usually ignored before.) He said he thought he had been talking to a guy and may have bought him a couple beers, but after he thought about it for a bit he decided that he had been alone on that occasion.
Finally I came to the question that had been the first to enter my mind when I found the receipt. “That’s nine drinks. So you had nine drinks by yourself?” He said he did, and that his intention was to get drunk since he was unsuccessful in arranging a prostitute. (He’s said he only used online services, never picked them up on the street.) I asked him if he’d ever considered that alcohol might be another addiction of his. That maybe, like his dad, he was a functioning alcoholic, but that it was actually a problem. He said that he had considered that. And he said he couldn’t keep talking about that subject anymore because of the lack of privacy. We agreed to discuss it later.
There are still lingering things that fall into the “odd” category.
He withdrew $100 on 2/8, $400 on 2/9 and $40 on 2/10 (I've done the research and I have a spreadsheet cross-referencing cash withdrawals and cell phone records), yet he paid for those 9 drinks with his credit card. So where did the $500 go? He said when he couldn’t get prostitutes he went shopping for gifts. But I don’t recall $500 worth of gifts coming home. Yet he took out that $40 on 2/10, so he must have spent that $500 somewhere. I have to ask him about this.
Yes, I know this is what obsessing and co-dependency are all about. And yes, I’m still going to ask.
I’m sitting in the Sacramento airport. I have vivid memories of being in this airport for business travel on June 5, four days after I’d found out about all of Husband’s lies and infidelity. I was standing right outside the security checkpoint on the phone with Nora, weeping because I didn’t want to go home, because I didn’t what to go back to the life I had there now. If I didn’t go home, maybe it wouldn’t be real. It all felt so unreal anyway. That’s what the Sacramento airport reminds me of.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Assignment from my therapist today
I talked with my therapist about some of the stuff I discovered in couples therapy. She gave me two assignments:
1. Write about the feeling I have that my mother sacrificed a lot to be a parent to me and I can never make it up to her
2. Express my anger through writing and sharing with trusted friends and my S-Anon group
I've been feeling angry at Husband for breaking me. I feel irreparably broken. I used to believe that you could count on people. Not everybody, but certainly a few carefully selected, trusted people in your life.
But my experience has taught me that no matter how well I think I've chosen, no matter how much evidence I have that someone is trustworthy, the fact is I can never count on anybody 100% of the time. In that regard, I am alone. I have only myself to count on. (And maybe there are those who feel they can't even count on themselves. That would be really scary - to have absolutely nobody at all.)
The reason I can't count on anyone 100% of the time is because I cannot control what someone else will do, how they will think, feel and respond, 100% of the time. If I could control everything 100% of the time, I could predict with certainty. Any less control than that introduces some amount of uncertainty. I can never know. I can eventually trust, believe, think, hope, have faith. But I can never, ever know. So how do you live with a know liar in a context of never knowing? Don't know yet. One day at a time I guess.
I used to believe that I could know. That time, love, shared experiences and personal integrity could forge an unbreakable bond of trust. While I see now that was a form of naivete, it felt good to believe that it was possible. Now I feel sad and wary, and while the fact that it's not possible to count on others has nothing to do with Husband, I'm now intensely present to this fact because of his betrayal and I'm angry at him for that.
What goes through my head: Why did he have to do that? I didn't do that! When I had problems I talked about it. When I didn't feel heard, I did something about it. What is wrong with him? (I could go on.)
Intellectually, I know the answers or at least the explanations, so in an instant I invalidate this anger because it feels irrational.
But it's there. And I want it out now, so I don't carry it around for years, so it doesn't come out when I least expect it, so it doesn't rot me from the inside all the way out to my happy, sweet, she's-so-nice veneer.
1. Write about the feeling I have that my mother sacrificed a lot to be a parent to me and I can never make it up to her
2. Express my anger through writing and sharing with trusted friends and my S-Anon group
I've been feeling angry at Husband for breaking me. I feel irreparably broken. I used to believe that you could count on people. Not everybody, but certainly a few carefully selected, trusted people in your life.
But my experience has taught me that no matter how well I think I've chosen, no matter how much evidence I have that someone is trustworthy, the fact is I can never count on anybody 100% of the time. In that regard, I am alone. I have only myself to count on. (And maybe there are those who feel they can't even count on themselves. That would be really scary - to have absolutely nobody at all.)
The reason I can't count on anyone 100% of the time is because I cannot control what someone else will do, how they will think, feel and respond, 100% of the time. If I could control everything 100% of the time, I could predict with certainty. Any less control than that introduces some amount of uncertainty. I can never know. I can eventually trust, believe, think, hope, have faith. But I can never, ever know. So how do you live with a know liar in a context of never knowing? Don't know yet. One day at a time I guess.
I used to believe that I could know. That time, love, shared experiences and personal integrity could forge an unbreakable bond of trust. While I see now that was a form of naivete, it felt good to believe that it was possible. Now I feel sad and wary, and while the fact that it's not possible to count on others has nothing to do with Husband, I'm now intensely present to this fact because of his betrayal and I'm angry at him for that.
What goes through my head: Why did he have to do that? I didn't do that! When I had problems I talked about it. When I didn't feel heard, I did something about it. What is wrong with him? (I could go on.)
Intellectually, I know the answers or at least the explanations, so in an instant I invalidate this anger because it feels irrational.
But it's there. And I want it out now, so I don't carry it around for years, so it doesn't come out when I least expect it, so it doesn't rot me from the inside all the way out to my happy, sweet, she's-so-nice veneer.
Break Out Blogger
A nice thing happened today.
I found out that I've been given a Break Out Blogger Award:
Hopefully that means that more people will be able to find my blog and begin to understand that they are neither crazy nor alone.
Betrayal and infidelity are universal problems, and because of that there are common human stories and experiences that cut across all demographics. I think these commonalities are part of the path of healing...knowing that there are others who have gone through all this pain, anguish, confusion, anger, disillusionment, loneliness, and despair (to name a few) and have survived, and in many cases come out stronger, happier and healthier. These shared feelings, thoughts and experiences are a beacon of light when the storm is bad and you can't see the land. Mamampj has been that for me, and it's good to think that our blogs and others like them will provide that for others.
I found out that I've been given a Break Out Blogger Award:
Hopefully that means that more people will be able to find my blog and begin to understand that they are neither crazy nor alone.
Betrayal and infidelity are universal problems, and because of that there are common human stories and experiences that cut across all demographics. I think these commonalities are part of the path of healing...knowing that there are others who have gone through all this pain, anguish, confusion, anger, disillusionment, loneliness, and despair (to name a few) and have survived, and in many cases come out stronger, happier and healthier. These shared feelings, thoughts and experiences are a beacon of light when the storm is bad and you can't see the land. Mamampj has been that for me, and it's good to think that our blogs and others like them will provide that for others.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Helpful notes from couples therapy
Here's what I need to remember from couples therapy yesterday:
HOW TO TALK PRODUCTIVELY WITH HUSBAND ABOUT PROBLEMS
When you ____ I feel (mad, glad, sad, ashamed, afraid - pick one) and what I make up about that is _____.
When you get to the core of them, most negative feelings come from one of two places:
1. I'm afraid I won't be safe
2. I'm afraid I won't be seen or heard for who I am
WHERE I SPEAK AND THINK FROM
I see the world and listen through the perspective that no matter what, there is always going to be something better than me. (Don't know how I got this belief - need to investigate with my therapist.)
I filter out what is
a. positive, because it feels like that feedback is covering up people's real thoughts and feelings (there's something better than her)
b. not true from my perspective (even in reaction to other people's feelings - for example, if Husband says he feels like I don't care about him, in the past I've ignored that because I know that I do care about him)
It's unlikely that I can rid myself completely of this ingrained perspective, but now that I'm aware I can make a different choice when I notice myself coming from this position.
HOW TO TALK PRODUCTIVELY WITH HUSBAND ABOUT PROBLEMS
When you ____ I feel (mad, glad, sad, ashamed, afraid - pick one) and what I make up about that is _____.
When you get to the core of them, most negative feelings come from one of two places:
1. I'm afraid I won't be safe
2. I'm afraid I won't be seen or heard for who I am
WHERE I SPEAK AND THINK FROM
I see the world and listen through the perspective that no matter what, there is always going to be something better than me. (Don't know how I got this belief - need to investigate with my therapist.)
I filter out what is
a. positive, because it feels like that feedback is covering up people's real thoughts and feelings (there's something better than her)
b. not true from my perspective (even in reaction to other people's feelings - for example, if Husband says he feels like I don't care about him, in the past I've ignored that because I know that I do care about him)
It's unlikely that I can rid myself completely of this ingrained perspective, but now that I'm aware I can make a different choice when I notice myself coming from this position.
Friday, September 21, 2007
The duality of love and betrayal in a relationship
Mamma Mary Jones has some amazing thoughts on her blog A Room of Mama's Own about getting some perspective on how a partner can love you deeply and betray you deeply at the same time. Her post gave me an insight into how to love, appreciate and accept Husband as he is, which is my only choice if I want to stay with him. And I know I do, because there is a lot to love about him (and now, a lot to accept.)
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Still having thoughts about hurting my husband
Tonight I was on the treadmill reading a book called How My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me. This book has been a challenge, because Anne Brecht takes a much more traditional approach than I ever could (and has much more traditional, religious values than I do.) But inevitably, the universal rises above the individual specifics, and there are elements of her journey that parallel mine and that I relate to.
Her book mentioned that statistic of 60% of men vs. 40% of women having affairs. What is it about men? Why do a large majority of them find it so difficult to be faithful to their partners? Do they lack integrity or character as a sex? Not a question I can answer, but I really wish I had some insight.
Anyway...I began to think about having extramarital sex just to even the score. See, Husband...my promises to you can mean as little to me as your promises to me did to you. I can delude myself just as skillfully. So there. Now pull out your love and understanding.
But my husband has told me (only because I've asked) that he doesn't think he'd be as bothered/hurt by sexual infidelity as I am. Then I thought about how he feels so much more connected to me now, so much more intimate, so much more sure of my love and care for him than he did before. And I think about asking him, "This feeling you have now? Multiply that by 19 years, and then think about how you'd feel if you found out I'd been lying to you about something profound and intimate for about 12 of those years. How do you think that might feel?"
So I recognize that I still have some anger to work out.
Maybe I'll talk about this in therapy. Our couples therapist is pretty brilliant. She'll help us sort that anger out.
I also feel I'm still resisting facing the fact that my marriage was far from great, because I was not present for Husband and of course, he was having sexual experiences with all those prostitutes. I mostly want to blame him for dealing with his problems in this way. But I know no happiness lies down that path. Still...it's something else I should talk about with our therapist's help. I really think someday I can be free of all these angry, nasty thoughts. But if they don't come out, they'll just get pushed down and we've already had enough of what that leads to.
Her book mentioned that statistic of 60% of men vs. 40% of women having affairs. What is it about men? Why do a large majority of them find it so difficult to be faithful to their partners? Do they lack integrity or character as a sex? Not a question I can answer, but I really wish I had some insight.
Anyway...I began to think about having extramarital sex just to even the score. See, Husband...my promises to you can mean as little to me as your promises to me did to you. I can delude myself just as skillfully. So there. Now pull out your love and understanding.
But my husband has told me (only because I've asked) that he doesn't think he'd be as bothered/hurt by sexual infidelity as I am. Then I thought about how he feels so much more connected to me now, so much more intimate, so much more sure of my love and care for him than he did before. And I think about asking him, "This feeling you have now? Multiply that by 19 years, and then think about how you'd feel if you found out I'd been lying to you about something profound and intimate for about 12 of those years. How do you think that might feel?"
So I recognize that I still have some anger to work out.
Maybe I'll talk about this in therapy. Our couples therapist is pretty brilliant. She'll help us sort that anger out.
I also feel I'm still resisting facing the fact that my marriage was far from great, because I was not present for Husband and of course, he was having sexual experiences with all those prostitutes. I mostly want to blame him for dealing with his problems in this way. But I know no happiness lies down that path. Still...it's something else I should talk about with our therapist's help. I really think someday I can be free of all these angry, nasty thoughts. But if they don't come out, they'll just get pushed down and we've already had enough of what that leads to.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Blind trust vs. informed trust
Because you can never know what another person will do, it's always possible that your partner might hit you. You enter into every relationship with that possibility.
But until your partner hits you, you are in a relationship with somebody who you've known as "someone who doesn't hit." However, after you get hit once, you are now in a relationship with somebody who hits, and you know this because you've been hit by this person. If your partner says "I won't hit you" it makes a difference if you've known him as someone who doesn't hit you vs. someone who has hit you.
I'm struggling with the fact that, while I can never know what someone will do, I'm finding it harder to trust Husband now that I know him as someone who will lie to me and who can hurt me profoundly. Before I thought I really knew he would never do those things. My evidence was pretty good. But know I know he would do those things and my evidence is that he has done them. (Is this my Absolutist again?)
I'm just like the person who returns to a partner who has beaten her up. Am I crazy? I don't know. I feel certain I'd never return to a man who hit me, even if it was just once. Maybe the applicable rule is lie to me once (for 10 or so years) shame on you; lie to me twice, shame on me.
The other thing I've learned is that you can never say never until you find yourself in a situation. I think I'd have said "never" about the situation I'm in now, too.
I had my S-Anon meeting last night, followed by my now regular Tuesday night with Sophia. She was sad about some things going on in her life and together we indulged in too much coffee flavored vodka over ice as we talked until the wee hours.
But until your partner hits you, you are in a relationship with somebody who you've known as "someone who doesn't hit." However, after you get hit once, you are now in a relationship with somebody who hits, and you know this because you've been hit by this person. If your partner says "I won't hit you" it makes a difference if you've known him as someone who doesn't hit you vs. someone who has hit you.
I'm struggling with the fact that, while I can never know what someone will do, I'm finding it harder to trust Husband now that I know him as someone who will lie to me and who can hurt me profoundly. Before I thought I really knew he would never do those things. My evidence was pretty good. But know I know he would do those things and my evidence is that he has done them. (Is this my Absolutist again?)
I'm just like the person who returns to a partner who has beaten her up. Am I crazy? I don't know. I feel certain I'd never return to a man who hit me, even if it was just once. Maybe the applicable rule is lie to me once (for 10 or so years) shame on you; lie to me twice, shame on me.
The other thing I've learned is that you can never say never until you find yourself in a situation. I think I'd have said "never" about the situation I'm in now, too.
I had my S-Anon meeting last night, followed by my now regular Tuesday night with Sophia. She was sad about some things going on in her life and together we indulged in too much coffee flavored vodka over ice as we talked until the wee hours.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Reflecting on my existential crisis in therapy
Talked with my therapist about my ongoing sadness over the fact that I feel permanently damaged by Husband's lies and infidelity. I feel like I used to be healthy and happy, and now I've learned that you can't even trust the person you were surest of (funny, I'd learned that before with my father and gotten over it.)
I told her, and our couples therapist, that I'm done with trust on the one hand. I'm going to try to work with out with Husband but if I can't, I'm not putting myself in this position of vulnerability again. And I'm sad about that on the other hand. Now that I've known the freedom and joy of ultimate trust and ultimate vulnerability anything less feels...less. It makes me sad and angry that I feel like I have to give up that quality of life experience. But as I talked I realized that it's still my choice. But now I have to make that choice with the new knowledge I have. I have to choose that level of trust and vulnerability (if that's what I want) knowing that I risk being hurt this deeply and profoundly again. So I'm like Rocky - that boxer with a dream stepping back into the ring...or an idiot...or something between poetic and stupid.
Another thing I realized in my last session: As the absolutist that I am it's been difficult to experience things (like sadness for example) without also feeling like This Is The Way It Is Now. For example, I Will Never Trust Anyone Again. That's how I'm feeling right now, but it doesn't mean I'm destined to live that way forever. So I'm giving myself until June 1, 2008 to have whatever feelings and thoughts I have without question, with the understanding that I'm processing things right now, and I don't have to fret about anything being permanent. I may find that in a year I'm happier, healthier and in a better place in life that I ever imagined possible, and that this was the only path available to get there. Oh, look! It's my natural Pollyanna side poking her head out. It's who I am at the core. Lucky for me otherwise I'd probably have stuck a knife in my eye by now.
I told her, and our couples therapist, that I'm done with trust on the one hand. I'm going to try to work with out with Husband but if I can't, I'm not putting myself in this position of vulnerability again. And I'm sad about that on the other hand. Now that I've known the freedom and joy of ultimate trust and ultimate vulnerability anything less feels...less. It makes me sad and angry that I feel like I have to give up that quality of life experience. But as I talked I realized that it's still my choice. But now I have to make that choice with the new knowledge I have. I have to choose that level of trust and vulnerability (if that's what I want) knowing that I risk being hurt this deeply and profoundly again. So I'm like Rocky - that boxer with a dream stepping back into the ring...or an idiot...or something between poetic and stupid.
Another thing I realized in my last session: As the absolutist that I am it's been difficult to experience things (like sadness for example) without also feeling like This Is The Way It Is Now. For example, I Will Never Trust Anyone Again. That's how I'm feeling right now, but it doesn't mean I'm destined to live that way forever. So I'm giving myself until June 1, 2008 to have whatever feelings and thoughts I have without question, with the understanding that I'm processing things right now, and I don't have to fret about anything being permanent. I may find that in a year I'm happier, healthier and in a better place in life that I ever imagined possible, and that this was the only path available to get there. Oh, look! It's my natural Pollyanna side poking her head out. It's who I am at the core. Lucky for me otherwise I'd probably have stuck a knife in my eye by now.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
My existential crisis persists
Friday night I made some last minute plans to meet Husband to see a play. The play was at a theater we founded 10 years ago. I was involved near the beginning, but I haven't stayed involved over the years as he has.
As I got ready to leave I started thinking about the possibility that he was having an affair with someone at the theater. There are plenty of young, beautiful, talented women there. Maybe he met someone and has been meeting her at the theater. Maybe that's why he's often having to go to see shows at the last minute (he's on the Board, so he has to see the shows but we never make regular plans to go together)...maybe he didn't sound so excited that I was coming when I called to tell him...maybe if I get there earlier than I said I would I'll be able to tell who he's cheating with and catch him in intimate conversation with her...will it always be like this?...will I always wonder?....not just with Husband, but with any partner I'm in an intimate relationship with?...how can I ever know? I've learned that appearances will deceive. Of all the people I've met in my life, Husband seemed like the last person who would ever lie to me, cheat on me, have sex with other women. Not just by my judgement - I've had friends who know about this situation say the same. My heart was pounding, my lips were getting cold, my breathing was rapid.
When I arrived at the theater at 5 minutes to curtain, Husband was by himself in the little box office selling tickets. No beautiful, talented, young woman exchanging hushed, intimate conversation and sharing looks and laughs as I'd envisioned. I was somewhat relieved, but still shaking inside. Husband could tell immediately that there was something wrong and asked if I was okay. I told him I was having some anxiety, but there was no time to talk at that moment so I waited until intermission to tell him the specifics.
We talked at length during intermission, after the show, later that night by the fire in our back yard, and more at couples therapy yesterday. I feel much better now, because I've made a connection to who he is today instead of who he was before he began to get help and support for his issues.
It was so weird, because I don't often think about him having affairs with people now - or even paid sex with prostitutes. I believe him when he tells me that the only extramarital sex he's had is with prostitutes, and that he's not doing that anymore. I don't know what initiated that anxiety, but I know it's a product of the existential crisis I'm working through based on the new context I have in life.
A couple big fears I identified from the experience: I'm afraid that since there's no way to know for sure that someone won't betray me (for example, having a loving, intimate relationship with someone for two decades is no indication) I'll just get hurt deeply hurt again if I place my trust in someone. Right now I don't feel willing to go through this depth of pain again. I'm also afraid that I'll be so good at protecting myself that I'll end up alone - not physically alone, but alone inside, alone in my deepest, most intimate places. I don't want that kind of life. I've seen too many examples and it's too sad an existence.
As I got ready to leave I started thinking about the possibility that he was having an affair with someone at the theater. There are plenty of young, beautiful, talented women there. Maybe he met someone and has been meeting her at the theater. Maybe that's why he's often having to go to see shows at the last minute (he's on the Board, so he has to see the shows but we never make regular plans to go together)...maybe he didn't sound so excited that I was coming when I called to tell him...maybe if I get there earlier than I said I would I'll be able to tell who he's cheating with and catch him in intimate conversation with her...will it always be like this?...will I always wonder?....not just with Husband, but with any partner I'm in an intimate relationship with?...how can I ever know? I've learned that appearances will deceive. Of all the people I've met in my life, Husband seemed like the last person who would ever lie to me, cheat on me, have sex with other women. Not just by my judgement - I've had friends who know about this situation say the same. My heart was pounding, my lips were getting cold, my breathing was rapid.
When I arrived at the theater at 5 minutes to curtain, Husband was by himself in the little box office selling tickets. No beautiful, talented, young woman exchanging hushed, intimate conversation and sharing looks and laughs as I'd envisioned. I was somewhat relieved, but still shaking inside. Husband could tell immediately that there was something wrong and asked if I was okay. I told him I was having some anxiety, but there was no time to talk at that moment so I waited until intermission to tell him the specifics.
We talked at length during intermission, after the show, later that night by the fire in our back yard, and more at couples therapy yesterday. I feel much better now, because I've made a connection to who he is today instead of who he was before he began to get help and support for his issues.
It was so weird, because I don't often think about him having affairs with people now - or even paid sex with prostitutes. I believe him when he tells me that the only extramarital sex he's had is with prostitutes, and that he's not doing that anymore. I don't know what initiated that anxiety, but I know it's a product of the existential crisis I'm working through based on the new context I have in life.
A couple big fears I identified from the experience: I'm afraid that since there's no way to know for sure that someone won't betray me (for example, having a loving, intimate relationship with someone for two decades is no indication) I'll just get hurt deeply hurt again if I place my trust in someone. Right now I don't feel willing to go through this depth of pain again. I'm also afraid that I'll be so good at protecting myself that I'll end up alone - not physically alone, but alone inside, alone in my deepest, most intimate places. I don't want that kind of life. I've seen too many examples and it's too sad an existence.
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