Husband surprised me with a date to see Bruce Springsteen tonight - part of our extended anniversary celebration.
I'd told him that I wanted to be sure to be doing things together around our anniversary, particularly on the 31st and the 1st, because I know that last year on Halloween he was trying to arrange a date with a prostitute while I was at my son's school Halloween party. I don't remember now if he was successful. It doesn't really matter. But it was the day before our anniversary. He says he didn't connect the two.
Tonight was wonderful. Seeing Springsteen is a spiritual experience for me. It's amazing to watch someone do something that they seem to love so much, and with so much passion and intensity. It's such a full expression...it's really moving to me. And both times I've seen him he's brought his progressive politics into the show, which I'm such a sucker for.
Being there with Husband felt good. The closeness and connection I thought we had before June 1st was present. It feels as if we're getting back some of what I thought we had before, but a more mature version of it in which I know and accept him as more of a real human being rather than the man who could do no wrong. It feels okay. I no longer feel so sad about losing that illusion.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
What if he relapses?
I've been thinking about relapses. What I've decided is that it would be very difficult for me, and that my response would depend on the circumstances.
However, I also know that Husband's addiction has almost nothing to do with me in many ways, and I think there is something healthy about not trying to connect something to myself that has little or nothing to do with me. We talked about this in couples therapy last week and my therapist told me this is called "differentiation" in shrink terms.
We also discussed how there's a fine and fuzzy line between healthy differentiation and unhealthy codependency, so I think I'd get a lot of help and support if I ever have to navigate a relapse into sex addiction behaviors - particularly if it went beyond early inner circle behaviors like buying pornography or going to a strip club.
I hope I never have to face that particular pain.
It's funny how often I wonder about Husband relapsing, considering that he's so committed and closing in on 5 months of abstinence. When I couldn't reach him last Saturday morning before our couples therapy, it crossed my mind that maybe he was not doing what he said he was going to be doing that morning. There was nothing at all to indicate that might be so (and as it turned out he went to individual therapy and then to an OA meeting and to his weightloss clinic appointment), but that's where my reactive mind still goes, despite all the progress. My logical mind quickly takes over and examines more likely possibilities, but that immediate reaction is the first think to surface.
However, I also know that Husband's addiction has almost nothing to do with me in many ways, and I think there is something healthy about not trying to connect something to myself that has little or nothing to do with me. We talked about this in couples therapy last week and my therapist told me this is called "differentiation" in shrink terms.
We also discussed how there's a fine and fuzzy line between healthy differentiation and unhealthy codependency, so I think I'd get a lot of help and support if I ever have to navigate a relapse into sex addiction behaviors - particularly if it went beyond early inner circle behaviors like buying pornography or going to a strip club.
I hope I never have to face that particular pain.
It's funny how often I wonder about Husband relapsing, considering that he's so committed and closing in on 5 months of abstinence. When I couldn't reach him last Saturday morning before our couples therapy, it crossed my mind that maybe he was not doing what he said he was going to be doing that morning. There was nothing at all to indicate that might be so (and as it turned out he went to individual therapy and then to an OA meeting and to his weightloss clinic appointment), but that's where my reactive mind still goes, despite all the progress. My logical mind quickly takes over and examines more likely possibilities, but that immediate reaction is the first think to surface.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Steadily getting better
The trip to Hawaii was amazing. Exceeded our expectations in every way.
One thing Husband and I realized was that in our 19 years together, this was the first vacation we'd taken alone together that didn't involve visiting someone. Because we've lived as room mates with my mother since the very beginning of our relationship, we've had little time comletely alone as a couple. We've always had a lot going on in our lives. And since the arrival of Son in the Fall of 2001, life has just gotten fuller.
When we returned, Husband said he realized the difference between kissing in Maui and kissing at home was that in Maui there was nothing else we should or could be doing at that moment. No son to care for, no work following us home from our jobs, nobody wanting or needing anything from us. It was just us. Alone, together, with nothing to think about and no decisions to make except whether to wake up and go to yoga on the beach, go snorkeling, meditate on the beach, or have a Mai Tai.
On the flight over to Hawaii I was having anxiety about what we were doing. I wasn't clear what we were celebrating, and I didn't want to go through the motions and feel conflicted in my heart. So I brought it up and we talked about it. Husband said he was celebrating our life together, our love for each other, and the happy times that we had, despite his secret life.
I said I could also celebrate our love for each other. But the memories of happy times are tinged with pain for me because I know that the life I thought I had in those happy memories is not the life I was really having. He said he understood, and we left it at that. I felt satisfied that we weren't ignoring any elephants in the living room, and that I had identified something I could authentically celebrate about our 10 years together. There is a lot of good...lots of love, and there were so many good times.
At the airport on our way back to Calfiornia I realized I was feeling sad because there was a part of me that wanted to know that things were going to continue to be as blissful and wonderful as they had been for the past 4 days on Maui. A much bigger part of me knows that there is no knowing anymore, but the desire to feel some assurance in spite of that is still present. I talked with Husband about it, and although there was no solution to that dilemma talking about it helped.
Since our return I've been able to focus and concentrate very well, and I've been spending a great deal of time catching up on work that I haven't been able to focus on for the past 4 months. No blogging from the office since I got back a week ago. And focusing on remaining connected with Husband has kept my attention after work and family stuff have been attended to each day.
In our couples therapy today we realized how differently we've experienced our sex life prior to June 1st. I realized more pointedly how little priority I'd placed on that, even though I knew it was important to Husband. We could go for weeks without having sex and I wouldn't realize it. I really took it for granted that he knew how much I loved him, that I found him desireable, and that I thought he was a great lover. Meanwhile, he was feeling unheard and unimportant to me, and his feelings of hurt and neglect built up over the years.
NOT that a lack of sex is either an explanation or justification for lies and infidelity. It's NOT. But I could see how I hadn't really been present to him in the way that I'd expect him to be present to me. And how his feelings about that, combined with his feelings about other things going on in his life, his inability to express himself, and his lack of conscious awareness of his feelings led to him react by distracting himself with food, sex, shopping, alcohol and other things he felt entitled to because of his pain and anger (which he didn't have the ability to recognize for what they were.)
One of the promises of Twelve Step programs is that you will come to not regret the past. While I wish there was another much less painful way for me to have learned what I'm learning from this, we are experiencing individually and as a couple so much growth from this that I could honestly say that I am beginning to not regret what has transpired. Not that I wouldn't change it if I could, but I can't. And that doesn't seem so awful anymore.
One thing Husband and I realized was that in our 19 years together, this was the first vacation we'd taken alone together that didn't involve visiting someone. Because we've lived as room mates with my mother since the very beginning of our relationship, we've had little time comletely alone as a couple. We've always had a lot going on in our lives. And since the arrival of Son in the Fall of 2001, life has just gotten fuller.
When we returned, Husband said he realized the difference between kissing in Maui and kissing at home was that in Maui there was nothing else we should or could be doing at that moment. No son to care for, no work following us home from our jobs, nobody wanting or needing anything from us. It was just us. Alone, together, with nothing to think about and no decisions to make except whether to wake up and go to yoga on the beach, go snorkeling, meditate on the beach, or have a Mai Tai.
On the flight over to Hawaii I was having anxiety about what we were doing. I wasn't clear what we were celebrating, and I didn't want to go through the motions and feel conflicted in my heart. So I brought it up and we talked about it. Husband said he was celebrating our life together, our love for each other, and the happy times that we had, despite his secret life.
I said I could also celebrate our love for each other. But the memories of happy times are tinged with pain for me because I know that the life I thought I had in those happy memories is not the life I was really having. He said he understood, and we left it at that. I felt satisfied that we weren't ignoring any elephants in the living room, and that I had identified something I could authentically celebrate about our 10 years together. There is a lot of good...lots of love, and there were so many good times.
At the airport on our way back to Calfiornia I realized I was feeling sad because there was a part of me that wanted to know that things were going to continue to be as blissful and wonderful as they had been for the past 4 days on Maui. A much bigger part of me knows that there is no knowing anymore, but the desire to feel some assurance in spite of that is still present. I talked with Husband about it, and although there was no solution to that dilemma talking about it helped.
Since our return I've been able to focus and concentrate very well, and I've been spending a great deal of time catching up on work that I haven't been able to focus on for the past 4 months. No blogging from the office since I got back a week ago. And focusing on remaining connected with Husband has kept my attention after work and family stuff have been attended to each day.
In our couples therapy today we realized how differently we've experienced our sex life prior to June 1st. I realized more pointedly how little priority I'd placed on that, even though I knew it was important to Husband. We could go for weeks without having sex and I wouldn't realize it. I really took it for granted that he knew how much I loved him, that I found him desireable, and that I thought he was a great lover. Meanwhile, he was feeling unheard and unimportant to me, and his feelings of hurt and neglect built up over the years.
NOT that a lack of sex is either an explanation or justification for lies and infidelity. It's NOT. But I could see how I hadn't really been present to him in the way that I'd expect him to be present to me. And how his feelings about that, combined with his feelings about other things going on in his life, his inability to express himself, and his lack of conscious awareness of his feelings led to him react by distracting himself with food, sex, shopping, alcohol and other things he felt entitled to because of his pain and anger (which he didn't have the ability to recognize for what they were.)
One of the promises of Twelve Step programs is that you will come to not regret the past. While I wish there was another much less painful way for me to have learned what I'm learning from this, we are experiencing individually and as a couple so much growth from this that I could honestly say that I am beginning to not regret what has transpired. Not that I wouldn't change it if I could, but I can't. And that doesn't seem so awful anymore.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
10th Anniversary honeymoon trip to Hawaii
I'm just about finished packing. We leave in 8 hours for 4 days and 3 nights in Hawaii to celebrate our 10th anniversary and take the honeymoon we never had.
Earlier today I was looking forward to it. But this evening I started to get sad. Am I pretending? Is this a joke? Like putting icing on a shit cake? Celebrating 10 years of...what? Infidelity, lies and broken vows? But not just that. Lots of good things too. Happy times. But now they're all shadowed by the reality of what was secretly going on over the years.
I want to be happy, I want to have a good time, but part of me is confused about what I'm doing. Part of me is sad. This is not how I pictured my relationship being on 10th anniversary.
Disclosure docs say lap dances to ejaculation started in June of '95, hand jobs with prostitutes in April of 2000, escalating to "massages" with hand jobs and blow jobs through 2003, and finally intercourse with prostitutes started at the end of 2003 and esclated to once or twice a month by 2007.
In December 2007 we'll mark 20 years as a couple.
Earlier today I was looking forward to it. But this evening I started to get sad. Am I pretending? Is this a joke? Like putting icing on a shit cake? Celebrating 10 years of...what? Infidelity, lies and broken vows? But not just that. Lots of good things too. Happy times. But now they're all shadowed by the reality of what was secretly going on over the years.
I want to be happy, I want to have a good time, but part of me is confused about what I'm doing. Part of me is sad. This is not how I pictured my relationship being on 10th anniversary.
Disclosure docs say lap dances to ejaculation started in June of '95, hand jobs with prostitutes in April of 2000, escalating to "massages" with hand jobs and blow jobs through 2003, and finally intercourse with prostitutes started at the end of 2003 and esclated to once or twice a month by 2007.
In December 2007 we'll mark 20 years as a couple.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Another high anxiety day
Don't know why. Actually reverted to checking cell phone records.
My therapist said that it's very normal for codependency to slip into high gear when someone who needs to be in control (me) experiences a lack of control (my life.)
Since I'm having this existential shift in which I'm coming to terms with the fact that almost nothing in life is within my control except me, and that almost everything except the present moment is unknown or unimportant, it's not really surprising that I have little freak outs like I did today.
I still feel edgy and I feel a pit in my stomach.
I'm going to exercize. Hopefully that will get the happy chemicals flowing and I'll feel better.
My therapist said that it's very normal for codependency to slip into high gear when someone who needs to be in control (me) experiences a lack of control (my life.)
Since I'm having this existential shift in which I'm coming to terms with the fact that almost nothing in life is within my control except me, and that almost everything except the present moment is unknown or unimportant, it's not really surprising that I have little freak outs like I did today.
I still feel edgy and I feel a pit in my stomach.
I'm going to exercize. Hopefully that will get the happy chemicals flowing and I'll feel better.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Downs and ups
Feeling sad again today. I don't know what triggered it. We were driving back from San Diego and I was feeling melancholy. Maybe because we were leaving my grandmother's house for probably the last time. She's sold it and is moving in with us at least for a while, which is good, but I've been going to her house for summer vacations and holidays for the last 30 years, so was good-bye for me. Going to Gramma's always represented returning to an environment of unconditional love in which I'd be completely taken care of. Love, security, warmth.
We stopped for gas, and as I was standing outside the minivan we'd rented (to bring stuff back to our house) I heard the distinctive sound of palm leaves rustling in the wind. I looked over and saw a palm tree that reminded me of those we'd seen in Florida when visiting Husband's father. This brought to mind our last trip, after which he sought out sex with prostitutes immediately upon his return. We'd had such fun taking our son to Disney World, swimming in the hotel pools, trying alligator meat, going to the beaches. It was a stressful vacation for Husband because he was working part of the time, but it was a nice vacation in terms of a family adventure. I guess the stress was too much, and returning to his job, where he doesn't feel truly known for who he is and what he has to offer, was too demoralizing and he just had to get out the anger and disappointment somehow. So, the prostitute.
But then my mind wandered to the thought of his hands and mouth on other women's bodies. And 28 feels like a lot of other people to me, although I know there are many sex addicts whose partners number in the hundreds or more. But I've only been for him all these years, and he's been with all those other women. It really hurts my feelings, even though I know logically that it had almost nothing to do with me, and that it was his addict in action and that he was in deep denial. Blah, blah, blah. It still hurts. I feel stupid and self indulgent for feeling sad, because I have every reason not to, but the feeling is still there.
We stopped for gas, and as I was standing outside the minivan we'd rented (to bring stuff back to our house) I heard the distinctive sound of palm leaves rustling in the wind. I looked over and saw a palm tree that reminded me of those we'd seen in Florida when visiting Husband's father. This brought to mind our last trip, after which he sought out sex with prostitutes immediately upon his return. We'd had such fun taking our son to Disney World, swimming in the hotel pools, trying alligator meat, going to the beaches. It was a stressful vacation for Husband because he was working part of the time, but it was a nice vacation in terms of a family adventure. I guess the stress was too much, and returning to his job, where he doesn't feel truly known for who he is and what he has to offer, was too demoralizing and he just had to get out the anger and disappointment somehow. So, the prostitute.
But then my mind wandered to the thought of his hands and mouth on other women's bodies. And 28 feels like a lot of other people to me, although I know there are many sex addicts whose partners number in the hundreds or more. But I've only been for him all these years, and he's been with all those other women. It really hurts my feelings, even though I know logically that it had almost nothing to do with me, and that it was his addict in action and that he was in deep denial. Blah, blah, blah. It still hurts. I feel stupid and self indulgent for feeling sad, because I have every reason not to, but the feeling is still there.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
What does I love you mean?
It doesn't mean I won't lie to you. Doesn't mean I won't hurt you. Or that I'll love you or be here tomorrow. It doesn't mean I'll provide for you, or I'll always consider the impact of my actions on you. So what does it mean? Only that right now, in this instant when I look into your eyes, my heart swells and beats faster and my soul is drawn to yours? Or something like that?
When I tell my son I love him, there is so much I know about that love. I know what I mean. But when I hear the word love, there is no way to know what it means. What does red mean? It means something different to everybody. When I picture red in my head it's a different shade of red than someone else pictures. And so it's very dangerous for me to assume that I know what someone means when they say red. It's the same with love.
So why do I want to know Husband loves me? Why is that important? I can never know what it means. I can only begin to imagine, and that is a slippery slope back to delusion, especially because of my desire for it.
So what is the point? Maybe this delusion is all just the fierce force of biology tricking us into procreating and perpetuating the species.
No wonder why I always liked physics better.
When I tell my son I love him, there is so much I know about that love. I know what I mean. But when I hear the word love, there is no way to know what it means. What does red mean? It means something different to everybody. When I picture red in my head it's a different shade of red than someone else pictures. And so it's very dangerous for me to assume that I know what someone means when they say red. It's the same with love.
So why do I want to know Husband loves me? Why is that important? I can never know what it means. I can only begin to imagine, and that is a slippery slope back to delusion, especially because of my desire for it.
So what is the point? Maybe this delusion is all just the fierce force of biology tricking us into procreating and perpetuating the species.
No wonder why I always liked physics better.
Feeling sad today, not sure why
I've been feeling sad today, and I'm not sure why. I think maybe it's because more and more each day I'm coming to terms with the fact that the only thing I have is the moment I'm in. Any expectation of the future based on this moment or on any past moment is nothing more than a hopeful delusion. If after 20 years with Husband I can't "know" that he would never lie, betray, have sexual activity outside our marriage...well, there's no more "knowing" for me ever again.
It's the extended play version of my existential crisis, and since it's the live version, and not a recording, it's difficult to say when this will end.
I'm learning to live with a lot of uncomfortable realities about the human condition, and sometimes that leaves me lonely and sad. Do I want to be deluded again? No. Do I want to be happy living with uncertainty, not knowing, not knowing another, practicing non-attachment, only being in this moment, without all those lovely things like hope, expectations, optimism, security. If I can. Do I wish I could have all those things without deluding myself to some extent? Oh yes.
It's the extended play version of my existential crisis, and since it's the live version, and not a recording, it's difficult to say when this will end.
I'm learning to live with a lot of uncomfortable realities about the human condition, and sometimes that leaves me lonely and sad. Do I want to be deluded again? No. Do I want to be happy living with uncertainty, not knowing, not knowing another, practicing non-attachment, only being in this moment, without all those lovely things like hope, expectations, optimism, security. If I can. Do I wish I could have all those things without deluding myself to some extent? Oh yes.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
The progress of healing
There was a newcomer at my S-Anon meeting last night with a very similar experience to my own. It was interesting for me to see that while I identifiedy with much of what was shared, I did not go into an emotional tail spin. I realized how far I've come since June 1st.
I did, however, go the wrong way down a one way street on the way home. And that street happened to be the street on which Husband's most frequently visited strip club is located. And I did this while trying to avoid driving down another street on which some of the hotels where he had sex with prostitutes are located.
So maybe I was unnerved a bit.
But I'm really happy to see how much I've healed from something that has felt so painful at times that for the first time I completely understand why people kill themselves. (I was never suicidal, but I the sadness was so deep and painful in the first couple months it felt like the only possible release would be death.)
Husband and I continue to meditate togther several mornings a week. This morning I was concentrating on exhaling such that I would dissipate into nothingness, letting go of the struggle to be alive, giving over to being one with everything, beginning to understand that either I'm alive or not, and struggle is not necessary. I felt sad thinking about all that meant - saddest about giving up the struggle to stay with my son. I could see where my strongest attachments are. And I began to get a sense of the freedom that letting go, submitting to the moment, can bring. It was an introduction to the possibility of maybe letting go of my need for control on some deeper levels.
I did, however, go the wrong way down a one way street on the way home. And that street happened to be the street on which Husband's most frequently visited strip club is located. And I did this while trying to avoid driving down another street on which some of the hotels where he had sex with prostitutes are located.
So maybe I was unnerved a bit.
But I'm really happy to see how much I've healed from something that has felt so painful at times that for the first time I completely understand why people kill themselves. (I was never suicidal, but I the sadness was so deep and painful in the first couple months it felt like the only possible release would be death.)
Husband and I continue to meditate togther several mornings a week. This morning I was concentrating on exhaling such that I would dissipate into nothingness, letting go of the struggle to be alive, giving over to being one with everything, beginning to understand that either I'm alive or not, and struggle is not necessary. I felt sad thinking about all that meant - saddest about giving up the struggle to stay with my son. I could see where my strongest attachments are. And I began to get a sense of the freedom that letting go, submitting to the moment, can bring. It was an introduction to the possibility of maybe letting go of my need for control on some deeper levels.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Got asked out on a date again
This time by Husband.
Part of all of this re-creation and re-choosing felt to me like we needed some re-getting-to-know-you time. So I told him I wanted to date again. Him.
Time where he plans everything (takes the risk of making a plan for us without consulting me, which I know scares him - I suspected as much and he said today that he is terrified I'll be disappointed) and I just go and we discover each other again. I'm going to ask him out, too. I need this kind of time with him. Time to look into his eyes with the full knowledge I have of him, the full acceptance of him as a flawed human being who could hurt me again, and to choose him again. To look into his eyes and say yes to the risk, yes to the unknown.
And then to learn to live my life in this way. Saying yes to the risks I take with him, and the risks could I take everywhere else.
Part of all of this re-creation and re-choosing felt to me like we needed some re-getting-to-know-you time. So I told him I wanted to date again. Him.
Time where he plans everything (takes the risk of making a plan for us without consulting me, which I know scares him - I suspected as much and he said today that he is terrified I'll be disappointed) and I just go and we discover each other again. I'm going to ask him out, too. I need this kind of time with him. Time to look into his eyes with the full knowledge I have of him, the full acceptance of him as a flawed human being who could hurt me again, and to choose him again. To look into his eyes and say yes to the risk, yes to the unknown.
And then to learn to live my life in this way. Saying yes to the risks I take with him, and the risks could I take everywhere else.
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