I'm just about finished packing. We leave in 8 hours for 4 days and 3 nights in Hawaii to celebrate our 10th anniversary and take the honeymoon we never had.
Earlier today I was looking forward to it. But this evening I started to get sad. Am I pretending? Is this a joke? Like putting icing on a shit cake? Celebrating 10 years of...what? Infidelity, lies and broken vows? But not just that. Lots of good things too. Happy times. But now they're all shadowed by the reality of what was secretly going on over the years.
I want to be happy, I want to have a good time, but part of me is confused about what I'm doing. Part of me is sad. This is not how I pictured my relationship being on 10th anniversary.
Disclosure docs say lap dances to ejaculation started in June of '95, hand jobs with prostitutes in April of 2000, escalating to "massages" with hand jobs and blow jobs through 2003, and finally intercourse with prostitutes started at the end of 2003 and esclated to once or twice a month by 2007.
In December 2007 we'll mark 20 years as a couple.
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6 comments:
((hugs)) I understand. I, too, sometimes have trouble with visions of the past playing out in my head. I hope you can put those things on a shelf temporarily and find a way to enjoy this trip with your husband.
Oddly, we celebrated our 10th anniversary a few years ago in Maui. I was happy, comfortable - CLUELESS! The trip was great but, looking back (knowing what I know now about what was going on behind my back at the time) makes me sad.
I wish you save travels and hope that the two of you are able to enjoy your time together and to "re-connect" a bit.
The Hurting Heart
Congrats on your years together and the work you have done and will do for you.
Mantra
Have a good trip, Woman A. Boy, you and I have a lot in common -- as you know, our 10th is coming up soon too. And we took a honeymoon trip to Hawaii on our 2nd anniversary.
We were celebrating our 6th after my husband came clean about his addiction and I remember crying when he asked me what gift I wanted. I told him, "I want this all not to have been. I want it all not to be true." And I too wondered what I was celebrating.
Anniversaries and weddings are different things to me now -- complicated in a way they weren't before. Don't know what I'm saying here except that you are not alone, and I hope you have a great time. It's hard to be sad or tense in Hawaii.
Hope your trip went well.
I thought this was interesting and wanted to share. It's about having sex with your spouse a lot more after finding out about infidelity. I know that has been talked about a bit here.
http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ10
For me, all of those feelings are still very real and raw...but I think, really, we're all in better places after the disclosures. We now know that we don't know...we know that we can't know what's real, what's going on. I'm trying to learn to pick the most positive version of my life story and stick to it. So yes, I didn't know that my husband was using, and yes, that makes our wedding anniversaries bittersweet and makes me reminisce through all the bad times, the lies, the manipulation...however, I also try to remember that now I have the truth, and I have a future of growth and healing to look forward to...hell, I wish I had Hawaii to look forward to, too!
I hope you guys have fun!
You haven't been posting since your return from Hawaii. I hope your okay and the fires haven't affected you and your family. I'm in CA too and it's a nightmare. So many homes lost.
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