The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Monday, October 1, 2007

Existential Panic Attack

So I went on to have a full existential panic attack this morning. Really can't fault myself, as I'm learning to exist in a world where nothing is certain. What there is left to do is to accept that and figure out how to have a great life in the stark reality of that context.

So what it seems to be coming to is that I cannot control anything but myself; therefore I cannot know what the future holds; can make assumptions based on evidence, but those can prove to be false anyway; so what's left to do is just choose something and move forward. Could that be?

Given that I'm biologically wired for survival, and that I don't want to be full of anxiety all the time, how do I live comfortably with the knowledge that the only thing I can remotely trust is my own experience of a moment, and that even that can turn out to be something different from what I thought it was (for example, if someone you have decided to trust lies to you)? How do I live fully, happily, joyfully, openly, freely...Not Knowing and not allowing myself any illusion that I know?

4 comments:

FI0NA said...

Its been so good reading (a small part) of your blog. I found out about my partner's SA in December 2006. I remember the morning I found out, the room spun, I felt sick and I had no idea where I had been or where I was going. Quite literally adrift in my own life. It has been an ongoing struggle letting go and not trying to control the outcome of his actions, but man I have had, and continue to have major doubts.

woman.anonymous7 said...

The thing that often surprises me is what "trying to control" looks like. Yesterday I was feeling like I didn't want my husband to get any satisfaction out of any personal growth I am having as a result of this. Amost immediately I recognized that as my desire to control him (his experience.) I know intellectually that he's going to have/get/experience whatever he does, and the healthiest thing I can do is to be concerned with my own self, rather than his stuff. But it's so sneaky! Just like the addict's addictions.

thejunkyswife said...

Being married to an addict makes us all zen masters.

woman.anonymous7 said...

JW, your comment made me lol and is particularly funny to me because I just this morning printed out The Benefits of Zen Mediation in Addiction and Recovery which I found on your blog.