I'm picking him up at the airport at 10. As promised, he called a lot. I feel very confident that he didn't do any of the things he said he wouldn't do.
Therapy tomorrow, his and ours. Then I go to San Diego overnight. Son is staying with him. That's comforting because he used to go to prostitutes sometimes when Son and I went to San Diego without him. (My grandmother lives there.)
Looked at the disclosure document again tonight for some reason. I guess there is a lot in there that I haven't really digested. My heart was beating fast, but it was a lot less painful then it's been in the past to contemplate that information.
I could actually read it carefully, start to really see how his infidelity played out. Strip clubs before we were married, massage/hand jobs about 2 1/2 years after we were married, picking up frequency when I was pregnant. Actual intercourse toward the end of 2003. It's still very weird to think about him having a secret life all this time. But it's so much less painful to look at the facts now. That's a good sign.
I really don't know what I'll do if he does it again. It's been over 5 months. I don't think he will. Famous last words of the addict's wife, probably.
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This is probably totally irrelevant to your current post, but I was thinking about you and how you have coped since disclosure - v. well with the help of this journal. I too spent some time with COSA slightly in disbelief that this could anyway be my problem. Two useful things I took away. (1) snooping doesn't really help, and the info witll come to you in good time (2) Handing over to the higher power. I the fact that I have not got pregnant despite my professed wish to do wo with Neil is a HP protecting me (3)related to (1) there is no need to even try to control what your spouse does, that is their department, you keep yourself fit, mentally well and happy and leave them to do their bit. In my case this has resulted in loving him less, but I hope it might come back with time. Sister Strength to you!!
How would you know if he did?
I don't know. I believe I had some idea before, but couldn't recognize it because it was so far out of the realm of possibility.
Now that I know what's possible, I think I would know.
I also think he would tell me. He's got sponsors and therapists - he'd tell someone. And ultimately I think he'd tell me.
But in all honesty, I don't know for sure that I'd know.
However, what I think I'm learning is that there is no knowing. I think there is only knowing we can't know, or not knowing that we can't know. I no longer believe there is any knowing. There is not knowing, learning to live with the discomfort of that, and then making a choice every day to be with Husband or not.
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