The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Monday, October 29, 2007

What if he relapses?

I've been thinking about relapses. What I've decided is that it would be very difficult for me, and that my response would depend on the circumstances.

However, I also know that Husband's addiction has almost nothing to do with me in many ways, and I think there is something healthy about not trying to connect something to myself that has little or nothing to do with me. We talked about this in couples therapy last week and my therapist told me this is called "differentiation" in shrink terms.

We also discussed how there's a fine and fuzzy line between healthy differentiation and unhealthy codependency, so I think I'd get a lot of help and support if I ever have to navigate a relapse into sex addiction behaviors - particularly if it went beyond early inner circle behaviors like buying pornography or going to a strip club.

I hope I never have to face that particular pain.

It's funny how often I wonder about Husband relapsing, considering that he's so committed and closing in on 5 months of abstinence. When I couldn't reach him last Saturday morning before our couples therapy, it crossed my mind that maybe he was not doing what he said he was going to be doing that morning. There was nothing at all to indicate that might be so (and as it turned out he went to individual therapy and then to an OA meeting and to his weightloss clinic appointment), but that's where my reactive mind still goes, despite all the progress. My logical mind quickly takes over and examines more likely possibilities, but that immediate reaction is the first think to surface.


Rae said...

I am thankful to have found your blog. I am a female recovery sex addict. As one woman to another I can relate to what you write. As an addict who suffers and betrays her spouse, I hear things I might not otherwise hear.

I would like to link to your site from mine if you don't mind.


woman.anonymous7 said...

Rae- Of course you can link to my site. And I hope you comment on the posts here, because I'm sure your perspective will be valuable to me and others who read this blog. I look forward to hearing from you.

Anonymous said...

The thought of my husband having a relapse suffocates me at times - I can, once again, completely relate to your post. I had a moment recently similar to yours - when I could not reach him and found myself immediately fearing the worst (despite the fact that he's not given me any reason in almost 3 months to question his committment to sobriety). I hope that neither of us ever have to deal with a relapse!

The Hurting Heart

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Relapse is always a fear. I try not to wonder about how I am going to deal with it, but just deal with it when it comes. I find how well I deal with it depends more on how I am doing at the time with my own mental/spiritual health and recovery than with whatever it was that actually happened -- and that worrying about what he is doing is worse than anything.