Tonight on the treadmill I was re-reading Pema Chodron's book When Things Fall Apart.
The first chapter is Intimacy With Fear.
I realized that what has happened in my relationship with Husband gives me an opportunity to come eye to eye with fear, to stay present and not to "smooth it over, take a pill, distract [my]self...make it go away," and still be loved at the same time. So many people must face the deepest kind of fear and not knowing, and do so without feeling loved.
Husband is my opportunity to be in the moment with fear, and learn what there is to learn there. To face the unknown, knowing only that there is no knowing the next moment, and that in this moment, I am loved.
I came across a koan a couple months ago, and this part of it has stuck with me since:
"One who sits on top of the 100 foot pole has not quite attained true enlightenment. Make another step forward from the top of the pole and throw one's own body into the 100,000 universes."
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