Feeling sad again today. I don't know what triggered it. We were driving back from San Diego and I was feeling melancholy. Maybe because we were leaving my grandmother's house for probably the last time. She's sold it and is moving in with us at least for a while, which is good, but I've been going to her house for summer vacations and holidays for the last 30 years, so was good-bye for me. Going to Gramma's always represented returning to an environment of unconditional love in which I'd be completely taken care of. Love, security, warmth.
We stopped for gas, and as I was standing outside the minivan we'd rented (to bring stuff back to our house) I heard the distinctive sound of palm leaves rustling in the wind. I looked over and saw a palm tree that reminded me of those we'd seen in Florida when visiting Husband's father. This brought to mind our last trip, after which he sought out sex with prostitutes immediately upon his return. We'd had such fun taking our son to Disney World, swimming in the hotel pools, trying alligator meat, going to the beaches. It was a stressful vacation for Husband because he was working part of the time, but it was a nice vacation in terms of a family adventure. I guess the stress was too much, and returning to his job, where he doesn't feel truly known for who he is and what he has to offer, was too demoralizing and he just had to get out the anger and disappointment somehow. So, the prostitute.
But then my mind wandered to the thought of his hands and mouth on other women's bodies. And 28 feels like a lot of other people to me, although I know there are many sex addicts whose partners number in the hundreds or more. But I've only been for him all these years, and he's been with all those other women. It really hurts my feelings, even though I know logically that it had almost nothing to do with me, and that it was his addict in action and that he was in deep denial. Blah, blah, blah. It still hurts. I feel stupid and self indulgent for feeling sad, because I have every reason not to, but the feeling is still there.
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2 comments:
I'm sorry you were down yesterday... I think you have every right to feel sad every now and then - it's not self-indulgent. You don't get over something like this over night. I'm sure you'll continue to have up days and down days for a while. I know I do.
Thanks for your comment on my blog regarding reconciling - "causing (a person) to accept or be resigned to something not desired". That's exactly what our spouses' addictions/actions force us to do, isn't it?
I completely agree with you, too, that knowing the truth (as painful, ugly, hurtful and terrible as it sometimes is), is preferable to cluelessly living in the dark.
Hang in there - I am thinking about you today.
The Hurting Heart
I find that, just as my husband tends to act out at times when he is stressed or down, I am more likely to feel hurt and angry when I am tired and stressed. It makes all the hard times even harder -- all the bad times worse. Travel and the sale of your grandmother's house sound like good reasons to me to fall into a sad place.
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