It doesn't mean I won't lie to you. Doesn't mean I won't hurt you. Or that I'll love you or be here tomorrow. It doesn't mean I'll provide for you, or I'll always consider the impact of my actions on you. So what does it mean? Only that right now, in this instant when I look into your eyes, my heart swells and beats faster and my soul is drawn to yours? Or something like that?
When I tell my son I love him, there is so much I know about that love. I know what I mean. But when I hear the word love, there is no way to know what it means. What does red mean? It means something different to everybody. When I picture red in my head it's a different shade of red than someone else pictures. And so it's very dangerous for me to assume that I know what someone means when they say red. It's the same with love.
So why do I want to know Husband loves me? Why is that important? I can never know what it means. I can only begin to imagine, and that is a slippery slope back to delusion, especially because of my desire for it.
So what is the point? Maybe this delusion is all just the fierce force of biology tricking us into procreating and perpetuating the species.
No wonder why I always liked physics better.
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:) I was thinking of physics last night. As for the rest, I don't know...
When my husband was telling me about his most recent relapses, he said, "This is where I want to be, here with you." And I said, "I believe that" and started to cry. I don't know why that is the only thing I believe or that believing that makes me feel loved, but it's true.
Recent relapse? I don't mean this in a mean way at all, but I honestly don't know how you can put up with that.
WomanAnonymous7 - would you stay if your husband had relapses?
"It doesn't mean I won't lie to you. Doesn't mean I won't hurt you. Or that I'll love you or be here tomorrow. It doesn't mean I'll provide for you, or I'll always consider the impact of my actions on you. So what does it mean?"
Oh amen! That's been one of the hardest things for me to deal with upon learning that my husband has a SA - the wounds of the betrayal. The entire foundation of my life has been rocked. Being forced to realize that things I believed and knew to be true (who my husband was, the sanctity of our marriage vows, my husbands' love for me (etc.)) were not what I thought has been incredibly overwhelming.
The Hurting Heart
WomanAnonymous7, you never answered my question about relapsing, not sure if you noticed it or not.
Hope your trip was great.
Crystal - I've been thinking about relapses with Husband's sex addiction. What I've come to think is that it would be very difficult for me, and that my response would depend on the circumstances.
However, I also know that Husband's addiction has almost nothing to do with me in many ways, and I think there is something healthy about not trying to connect something to myself that has little or nothing to do with me. We talked about this in therapy today and my therapist told me that is called "differentiation" in shrink terms.
We also discussed how there's a fine and fuzzy line between healthy differentiation and unhealthy codependency, so I think I'd get a lot of help and support if I ever have to navigate a relapse into sex addiction behaviors - particularly if it went beyond early inner circle behaviors like buying pornography or going to a strip club.
I hope I never have to face that particular pain.
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