The progress of healing

There was a newcomer at my S-Anon meeting last night with a very similar experience to my own. It was interesting for me to see that while I identifiedy with much of what was shared, I did not go into an emotional tail spin. I realized how far I've come since June 1st.

I did, however, go the wrong way down a one way street on the way home. And that street happened to be the street on which Husband's most frequently visited strip club is located. And I did this while trying to avoid driving down another street on which some of the hotels where he had sex with prostitutes are located.

So maybe I was unnerved a bit.

But I'm really happy to see how much I've healed from something that has felt so painful at times that for the first time I completely understand why people kill themselves. (I was never suicidal, but I the sadness was so deep and painful in the first couple months it felt like the only possible release would be death.)

Husband and I continue to meditate togther several mornings a week. This morning I was concentrating on exhaling such that I would dissipate into nothingness, letting go of the struggle to be alive, giving over to being one with everything, beginning to understand that either I'm alive or not, and struggle is not necessary. I felt sad thinking about all that meant - saddest about giving up the struggle to stay with my son. I could see where my strongest attachments are. And I began to get a sense of the freedom that letting go, submitting to the moment, can bring. It was an introduction to the possibility of maybe letting go of my need for control on some deeper levels.