Having a lot of sadness today. I think I'm struggling with wanting to connect with the Addict, who has been my primary intimate relationship, not just physically, but emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, maybe psychologically - he was truly a soul mate, for lack of a better term. That primary intimate connection was abruptly severed, almost like a sudden death, and nobody else can fill it for me right now. I don't know anybody who shares my most basic values and comes close to being as consistently interesting, funny, creative, supportive and on my wavelength. He really checked all the boxes for me. (Even though he apparently lacks integrity and honesty, he understands the importance of these things intellectually.)
It's not that I don't know who I am without him, I just feel incredibly sad and lonely missing him. And at the same time, I feel like I have to protect myself from him and hold my boundaries. He has gotten away with too much due to my compassion, willingness to forgive and effort to hold a space for him to grow and change, which has required a LOT on my end. And at some level he knew that he was getting away with it because of my willingness to repair. And maybe I have to face the fact that he is not capable of being the person I want to be in relationship with. After 34 mostly great years, that's really painful to confront. I feel a gaping, empty sadness in my body.
I have a lot of big projects at work, and it has been hard to focus. I feel like I'm falling behind, but it's hard to stay motivated to push myself when I'm feeling so down. I usually just want the work day to end so I can stop trying.
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