Obliviously selfish

I am heavy with despair. I just cannot process what the Addict has done. Last time we went through this, he had no tools, no recovery, no therapy. He had not seen me in the deepest depths of anguish and pain caused by his choices. He had not seen me in a soul-crushing, existential crisis. We did not  have years of rebuilding trust after facing the crisis of betrayal.

But this time he had all of that. He had the tools, he had years of therapy and 12-step, he had people to contact, he knew the warning signs  - middle circle, inner circle - and he know how destroyed and heartbroken I was as a result of those choices he made. So why, why, why did he make THE SAME CHOICES AGAIN???

Here's why: he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. He wanted the awesome, if imperfect, loving wife who so many thought him lucky to have, who raised his son with him, who made a lot of the money, who took care of the finances and who supported his creative endeavors - he wanted all of that AND he wanted to get his fucking rocks off with prostitutes because HE THOUGHT HE COULD GET AWAY WITH IT.

He thought he could have it all and that I would be none the wiser. He didn't care about the spiritual damage he was doing to our relationship and to me. Because he could get away with it. He could fool me. He was fine with taking away my agency, my choice, the choice that I had made to be in a monogamous relationship with an honest man.

That is the ugly truth. And I am heartsick at the fact that he would do this to me, that he could do this to me, and that I would be dumb enough to let him, giving him space to grow and change and be a different person.  He would say it  didn't have anything to do with me. And to that I would say HOW CAN YOU  BE SO FUCKING SELFISH. Of course it has something to do with me. We are married and in a fucking committed relationship. So how could it not have anything to do with me? Only looking through a lens of SELFISHNESS. 

He thought he deserved a little something on the side. I remember - that's what he admitted the first time around. 

What a fucking waste.