So lonely

12:27am

I  am so lonely. The Addict was my most intimate relationship on so many levels - my very best friend. I miss his humor, his intellect,  his advice and thoughts. I miss pressing up against him in bed at night. I miss the relief of hearing him come home, knowing there would be hugs and kisses and snuggles. I miss foot rubs and breakfast and dinner. I miss talking to him and being close to him.  He was my safe harbor in the world. I could handle just about anything, but when I couldn't, he was there. 

How can I miss him when he was also lying to me and fucking prostitutes at the same time that all of this good stuff was going on? I don't know. But I do. I miss the person I thought I was married to. It's the same painful despair I had in 2007. And he told me once that he had become the man that I had wanted back in 2007. Maybe, for a while, he was.

I was thinking today  about his denial when I figured out he was going to the massage parlor. He gave me the same story - "Yes, I took out the money, I went there, but I didn't go through with it." "That doesn't make any sense," I said. "Why would you do all that and then stop at the last moment?" And then he said, "You called." And of course, that was a lie. And that was the night he actually fucked the prostitute at the massage parlor.

I wish this was not my life. It hurts so much right now, and the sweet respite of my love is never going to be able to comfort me through this awful time. My safe harbor is gone. My source of love, comfort and security is the person who has hurt me the most. And the saddest part is that this is the second time I'm going through this  loss. I feel like such an idiot, on top of all the pain.

I think the Addict is an incurable compulsive sex addict. All the cash withdrawals point in that direction, even though he claims it was only about 11 times over the past 10 years and only 3 of those times was fucking. But that's a lie. 

I'm scared of disclosure, because I'm going to find out a lot, I think. But I want and deserve the truth. Last disclosure was only a couple of bits of new info -  I had figured out about all the prostitutes by the time we did disclosure. But this time I feel like I'm going to find out about 30 - 40 more prostitute visits. It makes me sick to my stomach -  not the fucking of prostitutes, which is gross, but the betrayal of my heart. And I have the hollow pain in my chest. My heart is broken. 

Final results of STD tests came back and I don't have anything. That's a relief. Just have to watch for HPV at my next pap smear.

1:07am

I wish the crying would help me sleep, but the painful waves of sadness are keeping me awake.