Once an addict, ALWAYS AN ADDICT

I don't know when the Addict stopped going to SA meetings. And I don't know when he stopped going to AA meetings. I stayed out of his recovery because that is what our programs told us to do. But I know I knew at some point he wasn't going. I allowed myself to forget that addiction does not go away. And I wanted to provide space for him to be something other than what he had been in the past. But the truth is, an addict is simply managing their disease somewhere on the spectrum of successfully to unsuccessfully. Every day for the rest of their life. I allowed myself to believe that the Addict was okay without a daily SA or AA practice. He read and spoke about Buddhism, and that seemed like a good practice to me. I see now that this was a form of not taking care of myself. But it's confusing, because I'm supposed to stay out of his recovery. And I didn't want to assume the role of mother or dictator in our relationship. But my therapist suggests that, with couples dealing with sex addiction, there can be a middle ground where the two come together and share what's going on with themselves. The Addict and I did't have such a practice. At least, not after therapy stopped. And that was a mistake. I was too confident and comfortable in the progress we had made. I lost sight of the fact that recovery is a LIFE LONG pursuit achieved ONE DAY AT A TIME, not a destination that can be arrived at. The Addict bears equal responsibility, or maybe even more, because he knew the path he was on and did nothing to stop it. Never once in the past 15 years did he acknowledge to me that he was struggling, except for the 3 or 4 times I caught him lying about drinking. He would rush back to AA full of promises, to quell my fear-driven freak-outs I suppose, but that effort would always dissipate. And I never paid any mind to it, in part because his recovery was supposed to be his business, and in part because I think I wanted to believe that he was no longer a sex addict. 

So I chose to be in a relationship with an addict, and then I allowed myself to forget. I felt happy and loved and stopped being vigilant about taking care of myself. Not entirely, not even mostly, but in very important ways. 

I feel like I'm back at the beginning in so many ways. Although, I can  also see how I've grown, and that is some comfort. But it's really depressing to be having this struggle again.