Today's stream of consciousness

I wake up in the morning and lie in bed alone. This will likely be the rest of my life - waking up alone. It makes me sad and angry to have to be getting accustomed to a life I never envisioned.

Husband posted his need for a place to live on FACEBOOK. "I'm sorry to say that I need a place to live, just me. Blah blah blah."

I found out about this when a mutual friend of ours texted me. "I don't know what's going on, but I saw Husband's post on Facebook." Offering all her love and support, nice, but WHAT THE FUCK??? 

"I just posed it to my friends," he says. He has 1200 friends on FB, including most of my family. So now god knows who knows about this very personal, painful experience that I'm going through. 

So, in that moment, I formulated my response to those who contact me about this: We have been dealing with significant issues around Husband's addiction, lying and infidelity for 15 years. I have recently discovered that he has been unable to stop those behaviors, so we have decided that separation is best at this point. It's a very painful time, and I appreciate your concern.

For family and inner-circle friends, I add "infidelity with prostitutes" because I'm done helping him maintain his cool-guy, fun-guy, smart-guy, awesome-guy persona. He's a lot of great things, and he's also shitty, I-fuck-prostitutes-and-FOR-DECADES-betray-my-wife-who-loves-me guy. We deserve the full picture, don't we?

When I confronted him about the Facebook post he texted, without any sense of irony, "Didn't think of ramifications for you."

I go back and forth about what I want. My love for him pulls me toward wanting to work it out (again). But my self-preservation instincts are screaming for me to get the fuck away from him. I mean, he's been lying to me over and over again since at least 2012 about drinking. I kept trying to accept that perfection isn't possible and to hold a space for hime to change. I never thought to check our bank accounts  for missing cash because he witnessed my agony in 2007 and we spent years in intense therapy and 12-step programs. So I thought that at least fucking prostitutes was in the rearview mirror of our lives. I was so happy each time I realized how many years had passed since he'd fucked another woman. Now - it's been two months. So disgusting.

And I feel defiled by it. I feel disgusted and disgusting. I need to go for an STD test. AGAIN. 

Husband is a MONSTER - not all of him, but part of him. That part can never love and care for and protect and honor me. And that is what I have to learn to accept.

God, PLEASE grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.