Life after us

I really don't know how I'm going to do this. How can I never see Husband again? How can I live my life separate from his. I had envisioned our lives together, growing old, holding hands. I am heartbroken.

I'm an adult woman, so I know my life can go on. I have a job, I know how to take care of myself. My life is not going to fall apart. 

But my heart is the thing that is having a hard time. Husband was my good place. The happy place for my heart. I loved the sound of the door when he came home from being out because I knew I'd see him. I looked forward to spending time with him, talking to him, going to the movies, traveling, reading his writing, playing tennis with friends, walking the dogs, going to the beach and endless other mundane to amazing things we do together. 

Knowing that things can never be that way again causes me so much anguish. 

So much of him loved me and I miss that love, that presence of love and intimacy and connection in my life. But there was a part of him that didn't love me - that couldn't love me. And that's the dangerous part. That's the part that throws away every promise, commitment, vow, concern and care and does what he wants. Why? Why does he have to have that part? Why can't he be the person I thought he was without that awful, dangerous part that is willing to hurt me in so many ways??? Why??? Why is there no answer to this question????

I don't want this life I have to have without him. But there is no other life. My life after us. I know there will be a lot of good there. But right now it just hurts so much it's hard to imagine.