Feeling it all

My emotions have been all over the place. On Tuesday, before therapy, I felt like I was barely holding it together. I had many work meetings and was just praying that I didn't seem weird or fall apart. 

But by the time I got to therapy, I was feeling nothing. No anger, no sadness. Not empty or numb. More like shut off. 

This morning the deep sadness is creeping back. Everything feels heavy. 

I've been doing a good job of not drinking to numb my feelings. That's a win.

I am having such a hard time coming to terms with the fact that, for a few minutes of pleasure, the Addict chose to throw away everything we had worked so hard to rebuild - that was so hard for me to rebuild after what he had done to me. How could he possibly make that choice and love me at the same time. I don't think it's possible. And I guess this is what addiction is. The drug is more important than anyone in your life. Having an orgasm was more important to the Addict than our 34-years of life together. And it was a good life. He told me so, many times. We still held hands everywhere we went together. 

I am sad. I am lonely. I don't know what to do. I feel like any sane person would be long gone. But it's so hard to turn my back on the last 34 years of my life when I know that some part of the Addict is truly the man I love. But maybe that's a delusion I'm holding on to. Probably.