Constant pain and anger

The last time this happened, back in 2007 -  Round One, as I've been calling it -  my son was 5 1/2. Because of this, I took a pause and thought about what my desired outcome was. And I realized I really  wanted to heal my relationship so that we could provide a home for son. The Addict was a great dad and, in many respects, a good partner. And  all the therapists seemed optimistic that we could accomplish this healing and rebuilding if we were committed to it. And I believed the Addict was, and maybe he believed it too. Who knows. So, in dealing with my feelings, I was careful not to break the Addict's spirit. Our family needed him to have a chance to  recover.

This time is different. Son is away at college, so I don't have any agenda except self-preservation. I still don't want to break the Addict, because Son still needs a dad, but I've been much more forthright about my anger and pain. 

In June 2007, texting wasn't a thing. But now, I can get my thoughts and feelings out in a coherent, written form and still keep a distance, and it has been helping me. 

Me: Some thing that really hurts me is I wonder why did you want to have sex with these other women? Why didn’t you want to do it with me instead? And I wonder, with all this recovery work you’re doing, if you’re looking at why you feel entitled to put your dick in other women’s mouths and vaginas when it is soul-crushing to your wife who loved you. Are you looking at that in your recovery?

After witnessing all the pain and anguish and existential chaos I went through, how could you choose to again do the very thing that hurt me the most? That level of disregard for someone you have already put through such torment is sociopathic.

I go to sleep crying and I wake up crying because it hurts so much.

He read this and texed back that I was in crisis, and that I should call my therapist immediately. 

But I've been through this before, and I learned a lot. I know how to take care of myself, how to call friends, read 12-step literature, write, not drink too much, attend meetings, all the things. I won't be self-destructive, because that's  just allowing him to take even more from me. And I  still have Son's well-being to consider. I know what crisis feels like, because I've felt that, too.

Me:  I am not in crisis, I am in pain. It’s a searing pain that does not go away. I have respites but it is always there. It is like a full body burn. All the damage is done and all that is left is to feel the pain through the long healing process. Last time I was in crisis. Last time it was an existential explosion. This time it’s all just pain and anguish. And I just have to feel it. No way through but through.

And that's really how it feels. The emotional and spiritual pain is constant. Sometimes it is more, sometimes it is less, but every moment I'm feeling loss and grief to some degree. And there is nothing to be done but feel it. There is no going back in time. There is no fixing  it. I  just have to feel it all and get  support.  

It has always  bothered me that the Addict will never fully understand the impact his decisions have had on me. There is no way he can know the existential pain, because for him, there are no gaps  in the story of his life and everything was how he wanted it. He made all the choices. But it left me with no choice. I could not take any steps to protect myself. I could not decide for myself whether or not I wanted to be married to someone who was fucking prostitutes because I did not know, because  he lied and lied and lied and lied. To my face, without batting an eyelash. And he stole tens of thousands of dollars of our money to support his addiction. His lies took away my agency, which is a soul-damaging thing. 

I had no say in the decisions he made, which have torpedoed my life. Yes, I'm choosing separation, but the alternative is to continue  to stay in what is essentially an abusive relationship and that's where the learnings from last time come in. Fuck no to that.