The Addict moved out today

It's hard to believe that on Thanksgiving, less than 8 weeks ago, I thought I was happily married to the love of my life, and today that person came and picked up his things and moved out of our house.

A fucking heartbreaking day. I am facing a life I never envisioned or wanted. Everything has changed. Every memory of our history and our family that I have will now be a memory of something I don't have any longer. Every day I wake up alone. I don't hear him coming through the door. I don't have that heart-leap of joy when I see his face. I can't look forward to snuggling on the couch and watching our favorite shows or having deeply interesting conversations or laughing at goofy stuff. 

I feel like I'm being washed down a fast-moving river with nothing to cling to and no way to get to shore. And the life I had and loved is getting farther and farther away. I have a hollow pain in the middle of my body that is always there - an aching emptiness. 

My girlfriend took Mom and me to the beach today so we could be out of the house when the Addict came. It was a beautiful day and the ocean waves and air really helped me to not focus on the fact that my partner of 34 years was packing up his things, taking our mattress (I had asked him to because I felt like it had prostitute DNA in it) and leaving. This is a day I would never have imagined 8 weeks ago. And before he confessed to the prostitutes 8 days ago, I was thinking of our separation as possibly temporary while we went to couples therapy to process his lying about drinking.

When we got to the beach I had to do deep breathing to keep from crying. The beach has always been one of our favorite places to go, and we've spent countless wonderful days together with Son building sand castles and playing in the surf. All those memories. 

As I look forward, thinking of life without my love by my side is overwhelmingly sad. But I have not been  cared for, honored and respected in the way I deserve and I can't submit to any more of it without killing my soul.

Looking back on how he lied to me when I asked him about the evidence I found that indicated he was going to massage parlors, I can see that he was gaslighting me. "I have been ashamed for lying to you about drinking and ashamed for thinking of acting out sexually on occasion so I have not been vigorous in my denials of your assumptions." He was trying to make me feel bad for not believing him when he told me that he had only thought about fucking prostitutes and had taken out the money but he didn't actually go (the EXACT SAME thing he told me in 2007). "But it doesn’t matter what I say. You have decided that everything I have ever said has been a lie." He told me he had been in a shame spiral all week and continued to deny that he had had sexual contact with anyone. 

That is the part of him that can never love me or care for me, no matter how much the rest of him wants to.  This part of him is a cold, ruthless liar. And his lies are emotional and spiritual abuse. The trust I thought we had rebuild over the past 15 years was a lie. My guts are churning and my heart is shattered.

Thanks to the lessons of Round One, I can and I will survive this. But the fucking pain is searing.